My Testimony

When we were in our early 20s we were living in a brand new house with our 1 ½ children. During the year we were finishing the house we didn't go to church. Then, more for social reasons than anything, we started attending one of the churches in our town and we became active members....I taught Sunday School ...but I was struggling with my faith.

A couple of members of another new (mission) church in a neighboring town visited us (by that time we had 2 children) so we decided to do that church big a favor and visit. I grew up in a bible believing church but that earlier church didn't have an “altar call” and this one did. I thought that was interesting that they didn't assume anything.

After going back to our church we began noticing that the minister didn't preach on anything from the Bible. I remember wondering why he even brought his bible to the pulpit with him because he never used it.

My faith was really weak and I felt guilty teaching those Sunday School kids (even though I followed their material) s0 - I quit teaching and we started visiting the new church in the neighboring town. But - my faith still faltered.

We had a patio door off our dining room that overlooked a beautiful little valley and I used to stand and look out that window and wonder how some people could see God in a view like that. I couldn't see anything but the view.

At one point I mentally “threw up my hands” and said There is no god! ...What am I wringing my hands over? Once I came to that conclusion somehow I felt more relaxed. I even remember smiling to myself
- cynically - thinking about the “bible preaching” church - and saying I wonder what they would think if they knew that their preaching made me go in the opposite direction. .

Eventually I found that the “relief” that I experienced didn't last. For one thing I thought – What if I'm wrong? There is no way that what I believe will not affect our kids. If I don't think “salvation” is important neither will they. If there is a hell, and I ignore that, I will be dragging them along with me. They trust me! I felt numb inside but I began trying to claw my way to just believing there is a God.

Unlike a lot of churches - that one had a stipulation for joining. You had to be a “born again believer”.
They didn't assume you were - just because you wanted to join the church. Since I wasn't comfortable about going up front in response to an 'altar call' I thought - We can go up to say we want to join the church! Then the pastor will talk to us and we can 'take care of it' that way! So we did. The pastor made appointments to see each of us alone. What happened to me is something only God could explain because by that time I knew I wanted to trust God's way ( Jesus) with my life and I had a hunger like never before. I really heard the 'gospel' and it became more than just words. I couldn't wait until the Pastor got there! He went through the "Romans Road" bible verses and we prayed. (I was familiar with the Romans Road verses and didn't need to hear them again but I was polite and waited for the “important part”. )

I was glad I prayed that day and “made it official”- with a witness - but I was disappointed that I didn't feel any different.

I still would look out over that valley and wonder. I carried this around “hanging on to God but not sensing His presence”. Finally one day, while putting away some clean laundry, I felt the overwhelming need to know God was real and with me and at that moment I leaned against the bathroom wall, holding on to a stack of clean towels, and said “Oh God – I need to know – I need to feel your presence! I can't do this on my own. I need to KNOW you are there!” Then I went on about my day thinking ”I can do no more than that.” I put it in His hands and didn't carry it around with me anymore.

When I woke up the next morning – before I even opened my eyes – I knew something was different. I jumped out of bed and ran to the dining room. I stood there at the patio door looking out with tears of awe that even now come as I remember. There He was...I saw Him in that beautiful view! And I knew He was there with me.

Sometimes God waits for us to come to the end of ourselves before we see the answer to our need. Recently I heard someone say that when they were broken they felt as if God said to them..”Now...let Me take over...I'll put you back together the way I want you to be.”
That's where I was. Like most people I like to have control of what happens to me. I learned that my having control wasn't what was important. It was letting Him have it. – He has it anyway - but I needed to know that.