Back then...

I should have had this blog when my Mom had alzheimers and was living here with us. That was an experience that I could have dealt with better if I could have written it down. Maybe not- but it would have helped.

This blog wasn't available then. It was about 5 years ago. I used to like reading someone else's blog who was going through the same thing at the time. I didn't think I knew enough about computers to do anything like that myself.

That blogger was younger than me by 7-10 years but she has since died of cancer. She got her diagnosis during the time I was reading about her experiences and then after Mom died she died. Her mother, however, was still living. I don't know what happened about the blog.

Terrible disease, Alzheimers. I was glad I had her here, anyway. I used to like just watching her sleep. I would think "Wow! I still have my Mom. "I'm still somebodies 'little girl'." She used to call me her "angel" and say "we've changed roles, now" meaning, I guess, that I had the mommy role and she was the one that needed care. Boy! the things I could have written about dealing with an alhzeimers patient.

I never blamed her for the difficulty. It was the disease. That crumby disease! That made me angry and frustrated. She was a great mom and person and then I had to watch it take her away. I still liked watching her sleep, though...and touch her hand...and kiss her forehead. Wish I had known more about how to take care of her when she couldn't get out of bed - like wash her hair. I didn't know about those inflatable things for washing hair in bed. By that time I was getting drained by the frustration. Inside I was crying "Somebody - help! I want to do a good job but I'm losing my grip!"

I had it better than some because I did have 2 of my brothers who took turns coming to sleep in her room with her at night in case she needed help - so I could at least sleep at night. I even had home health care workers coming so I could get out occasionally. But I missed a lot of the kids track meets, etc. They were growing up and I couldn't get to their after school stuff. I hated that.

One thing that saved my sanity was my grandsons. I loved having them come over and let me feel that life was normal. They had no idea how much I appreciated having them come. I still had my kids that were still home, of course. That was good, too. I guess I can't put my finger on why it meant so much to me to have those 3 little guys around but it did. Maybe it was because having their great grandma here didn't change anything for them so normal life carried on and I lived it through them. I still have to smile at the comforting feeling I had when one of them would walk through the door. Yep. Even during the tough times - I was blessed.